The Fire and Brimstone Man

“Our democracy, our constitutional framework is really a kind of software for harnessing the creativity and political imagination for all of our people. The American democratic system was an early political version of Napster.”

- Al Gore



Believe it or not, fellow bloggers, Citizen Gore is still around, and he’s every bit as annoying today as he was when Bathus originally posted the photo you see at the beginning of this post. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he is still breathing fire.

Some samples follow to show that he’s still in form. First, there’s this little gem from about a year ago:

“I am convinced that our founders would counsel us today that the greatest challenge facing our republic is not terrorism but how we react to terrorism, and not war, but how we manage our fears and achieve security without losing our freedom.”

It was a bit of a spin on something Citizen Gore must have heard at one of those moveon.org meetings that he’s been known to frequent. The turf is familiar enough to allow one to see that the inventor of the internet was playing the dummy to George Soros’s ventriloquist when he let go with his gem, as witness this piece of clever rhetoric from Soros’s book “The Bubble of American Supremacy:”

“In this respect, there is a parallel between the war on terror and the war on drugs. In the case of drugs, we are confronted by a public health problem, not a problem of crime. The public health problem cannot be properly addressed if we treat drug addicts as criminals. In the case of terrorists we are dealing with a crime. We need detective work, good intelligence, and cooperation from the public, not military action. In both cases, waging war is a false metaphor that can be used to justify repressive measures.”

This is about as massive as delusions can get. It’s clear to me that there is a grand malady infecting the political left. I don’t know what the medical term would be, but in layman’s terms it’s called a serious case of cranial-rectal inversion.

Only a month prior to the June, 2004 revelation, the wooden lips of Soros’s foil were bringing another startling declaration to all of America:

“There was then, there is now and there would have been regardless of what Bush did, a threat of terrorism that we would have to deal with. But instead of making it better, he has made it infinitely worse. We are less safe because of his policies. He has created more anger and righteous indignation against us as Americans than any leader of our country in the 228 years of our existence as a nation -- because of his attitude of contempt for any person, institution or nation who disagrees with him.”

“He has exposed Americans abroad and Americans in every U.S. town and city to a greater danger of attack by terrorists because of his arrogance, willfulness, and bungling at stirring up hornet's nests that pose no threat whatsoever to us. And by then insulting the religion and culture and tradition of people in other countries. And by pursuing policies that have resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocent men, women and children, all of it done in our name.”

Is this man living on the rings of Saturn? Are we to believe that Osama bin Laden is righteously indignant because we intend to get him? Are we to believe that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is lopping of people’s heads and killing Iraqi civilians because we’ve made him righteously indignant? Well yes, actually. That’s the essence of what Citizen Gore said. Are we to believe that America is less safe now because of George Bush’s strategy of going on the offensive? Are we to believe that the Democratic Party would do better if they were allowed to hire inspector Clouseau? Well yes, actually. Are we to believe that Osama and Musab offer “no threat whatsoever to us?” Well yes, actually.

Strange, isn’t it? Succumbing to cranial-rectal inversion syndrome, as have citizens Gore and Soros, has a powerful effect on human intellect.

There’s a part of me that’s very sympathetic to Citizen Gore’s plight. I even think that there are times when he almost gets things right. In the recent furor over senate filibusters, for example, I was pretty close to being on his side. But then he had a relapse and reverted to old form:

“This fight is not about responding to a crisis. It is about the desire of the administration and the Senate leadership to stifle debate in order to get what they want when they want it. What is involved here is a power grab -- pure and simple.”

“And what makes it so dangerous for our country is their willingness to do serious damage to our American democracy in order to satisfy their lust for total one-party domination of all three branches of government. They seek nothing less than absolute power. Their grand design is an all-powerful executive using a weakened legislature to fashion a compliant judiciary in its own image. They envision a total breakdown of the separation of powers. And in its place they want to establish a system in which power is unified in the service of a narrow ideology serving a narrow set of interests.”

“Hello!” “Hello!” “Earth to citizen Gore.” “Is anybody home?” “Do I need to requisition a tractor so that I can help you pull your head out of the darkness?”

This cranial-rectal inversion thing is even catching. I found a website this afternoon dedicated to the veneration of citizen Gore. It’s called electgore2008.com. Can you believe that? I’m now wondering if the primary malady has offshoots that catch unsuspecting citizens off guard and cause them to do strange things. Doesn’t this seem to you to be something from the sado-masochistic school of politics? The only things missing are the whips and chains. But who knows, they may constitute the next iteration of cranial-rectal syndrome.

I read a bit of the stuff from the site and almost got too close. I found out, for example, that citizen Gore received a “webby,” an award described as the internet’s version of an Oscar. Well, whoopee! What can I say? “Watch out Russell Crowe!”

I was almost duped. I read something I’d never realized. Citizen Gore has a highly developed sense of humor. Does that surprise you? It did me. But his supporters, adorers to a man, seem to really believe this. There was snippet titled “Al Gore can be funny sometimes.” I don’t mind telling you that seeing that snappy title made me curious. So, I linked to the site and found this:

“Climate change is a problem that's not going to be solved by politicians - I know a little about that,” Gore says. “Politicians have an important role to play; but the underlying reality is going to have its effects on the market, regardless of public opinion and government action.”

“Spring comes two weeks earlier now in the US than it did 20 years ago,” he adds.”

Well, if that isn't the mother of all punch lines. “Spring comes two weeks earlier now in the US than it did 20 years ago.” I can hardly type. My side is splitting. After reading this bit of “stand-up” I’ll never have to watch Jay Leno again. How did Seinfeld miss him when he was searching for good comedy writers?

You know, I almost succumbed to the syndrome, but the laughter was good for me. I’m better now. Phew!

A few years ago most of America hoped that citizen Gore would just go away, and it seemed for a while that he had. But recent events have shown us we were too complacent. He’s back and he’s breathing fire with a vengeance. And, what’s worse is that he even has some support in his madness. This is dangerous stuff. I think it’s time to find a cure for the disease this poor deluded man and his followers are suffering from. To that end I offer two pieces of advice in closing. First, someone needs to contact the Centers for Disease Control and let them know that this poor soul and his disciples are suffering immensely. And, second, we need to requisition a fleet of tractors to assist the medical professionals when the surgery begins.